Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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