worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
