i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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