I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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