it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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