and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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