maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
