the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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