He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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