I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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