Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
