I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
