Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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