How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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