it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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