Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
