last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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