you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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