Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I touched a dick in church today
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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