My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
