You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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