Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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