Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
