I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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