We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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