Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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