Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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