Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
