Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
