i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
