So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
