So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
is wine microwaveable?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
