Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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