please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
