I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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