AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
