Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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