Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
