Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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