Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
