a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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