Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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