About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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