I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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