speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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