Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
