i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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