Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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