the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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