I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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