I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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