Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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