i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
